I am realizing that self confidence comes in two parts: spiritual and physical. Both of them are needed for complete confidence, I believe, but I am also starting to realize that of the two, spiritual confidence is more important, more of a foundation, than the other.
I have never had much confidence in my physical self, and there are times that it have mourned that fact and have gone looking for it, usually to my detriment. I have made it kind of my "mission" to help my kids have that confidence so that they aren't afraid to let their light shine to the world. I have been so happy for (and jealous of) their talents and the opportunities they have to develop them. They seem physically confident...
On the other hand, I have almost always felt quite confident in who I am as a spiritual being. I thought that I would naturally just pass that along to my kids. But I am realizing more and more that while part of me was born with spiritual confidence, I also had to learn to apply this spiritual sense of confidence to my physical life. I have two very strong memories of how this happened:
The first memory is of when I was in 4th or 5th grade. (FYI--This is going to sound worse than it really was. I am remembering it in tunnel vision, so in reality, the negative stuff wasn't as intense as it sounds.) I was ugly, overweight, had very few friends. I hated going out for recess. I didn't like to play, and when I tried to be active, I felt like everyone was watching me move around and laughing because I was awkward and fat. So I would usually sit and read or draw or talk to the teachers until they made me play, and then I would just walk around and look at my feet so that I didn't have to see people looking at me, feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have any friends.
One day, as I was thus wandering the playground, I heard a voice tell me to look up and smile and be friendly to people. Nobody would be my friend if I didn't let them be. It made sense to me, so I listened to the voice and immediately did what I was told and tried to be everybody's friend from then on out. And although I was never "popular" or the life of anyone's party, I have felt since then that I have lots of friends, at least from my point of view.
The second memory is actually a melangerie of events, all involving music, around the age of 16. I will mention one sunday in Young Women's--I must have been feeling extra down about my outer self or something--we sang "Learn of Me" by Janice Kapp Perry for the opening song.
"Learn of me, and listen to my words. Walk in the meekness of my light, and I will give you peace, my love will never cease, for I am Jesus Christ." I started to cry,--I mean, I was sobbing-- and could not stop! I had to leave the room because the tears just kept coming. They weren't tears of sadness, however. They were relief and happiness and unconditional love. I knew and still do know, without any doubt, that the Savior loves me.
I have never doubted that I am a "daughter of Heavenly Parents with divine qualities that I am striving to develop." (from the YW Personal Progress Value, Divine Nature.) All of my life's goals and purposes stem from this knowledge, and all my major life decisions are made quite simply from my understanding of eternal life as the big picture. I just know what I will and won't do... because I am a Daughter of God and someday I will be like Him.
I thought that the spiritual part of everyone was strongest. I know now that it is not. I am lucky to have it this way, but I also need to make sure that my kids know who they REALLY are, from the inside out. Remembering how my spirit grew could help me do that...don't you think?
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3 comments:
The journey we each take is so interesting! I felt so similar in elementary school, but I felt like a weirdo because I moved up a grade and I felt like people always thought I was strange for that. I knew you then, and I honestly never thought you were ugly or fat. And I should tell you about being "popular"--I always thought of myself as very "unpopular," and it wasn't until I was about 30 that I realized that I couldn't really think of anyone who didn't like me, so why did I think of myself as "unpopular?" I said something about this to my sister in front of my bro-in-law Randy, and he said, "You're kidding, right? Your whole group was THE popular group! You, Wendy, Cary, Regina--your group WAS the popular group!" I had NO IDEA that we were perceived that way. I have no clue if we were perceived that way by everyone or not, but we definitely were by some people. I was completely shocked. Never considered it. Which takes me back to my original statement: the journey we take is so interesting! There are things it takes us YEARS to see in ourselves!
I love your insights about applying spiritual confidence and also teaching others (esp. your kids) to have it. You really are lucky and blessed to have spiritual confidence come naturally to you because it makes you good at sharing it and teaching others to have it. BTW, I have *always* loved "Learn of Me."
You're right, too--spiritual confidence is definitely the most important one of the two. If you have spiritual confidence, I believe it can actually make up for not having physical confidence. BUT if you don't have spiritual confidence, you can't make up for it with physical confidence. It just doesn't work. Probably because your body is temporary and changing, and your spirit is eternal.
Jen, that it's funny, isn't it? Our group wasn't ” The 21” but we were all inclusive, which I believe made us the best kind of popular. I didn't worry our care about it at that point in life because I knew that everyone was our friend. That was and still is all that matters.
Aren't we cool? Ha ha
I hope this didn't sound all woe is me cuz it wasn't meant to. :)
No, no. It didn't sound "wo is me." Or maybe I just know you well enough to know what you meant. :) But there really is so much that just comes in time and perspective. I wouldn't miss this part of life for the world. :)
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