So, to try to find the words, I will start from the beginning:
...which, what does beginning even mean?
I recognized in 2nd grade that I was bigger than everyone else. I was inactive and I liked food. In a lot of ways, food was my joy, my reward, my social event... I didn't like being fat, but I was, and that became my identity. But the summer before my sophomore year of high school, a boy started showing me some attention (which I later learned was a "quest" or a dare, but that is beside the point), and I discovered that I enjoyed walking. I would walk and just think about this cute boy and get lost in it all, and while I still enjoyed eating--very much--I didn't have as much time to eat, and I think my "joy" was transferred (for at time) to this boy. I was really surprised when I could no longer wear size 16 jeans. I didn't realize I had changed at all, but buying size 7 was a lot more fun. I knew I felt better about how I felt in clothes, but I didn't realize or believe that other people could see a difference in me. I knew that to them--especially to the boys--that I was still a fat girl, fun to joke about, not worth their attention.
In my mind I was still fat.
Fast forward 7 years... After 2 babies and being able to bounce back weight wise while doing nothing more than walking and eating homemade meals with my family, I had almost begun to believe that I had served my fat time and that I had learned what it took to stay fairly trim, but then baby 3 came along... I developed an issue with my metabolism during this pregnancy, and I guess that was the main reason that "bouncing back" did not happen this time around.
I already knew how to be fat--I knew how to think fat, act fat, feel fat--so it wasn't much of an adjustment. On the outside, I tried to do everything I had always done to lose the weight, but on the inside I knew that fat was who I am. It wasn't hard to stop believing that anything would work--I just had to be happy with the fact that I was lucky enough to enjoy 7 thin years and settle for the real me. I already knew how to avoid social events and photographs...
I remember the exact moment about 10 years later when I became totally disgusted with what I had become. I don't need to go into the intimate details, but let's just say that I got an upclose graphic view of my thighs, and the realization that those were really MY thighs was simply NOT OK! I had let myself go too far!
About this same time, my family discovered nutrition on a whole new level. I won't talk about Isagenix here, but the superior nutrition found in their products has changed my family forever. My husband lost over 50 lbs right away. I lost 11--a good start--and I felt amazing. I had more energy and more desire to enjoy life. My joints didn't ache. I could sleep through the night... I was grateful for all of this, don't get me wrong, but I kept waiting for more weight to come off...
Then I discovered exercise. The gym was not my favorite place to go, but walking was no longer doing it for me. I tried to train myself on the weight machines, but it didn't take long to realize I had no idea what I was doing. I made myself hire--and scrape up money to be be able to afford--a personal trainer. She had room in a group that met at 5AM, 4 days a week. I was desperate, so I joined that early morning group. I was 35 years old, probably the youngest of the group, and most definitely the most out of shape. At first, I could only lift a PVC pipe. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your trainer look at you after you attempt to do sit-ups and say "You really can't do that?" Yeah...that was me.
But I got stronger quite quickly; soon I was in love with weight training, and I was even running some--not loving it, but doing it! I felt better than I had felt in a really long time. I just knew that eventually I would see the weight come off, but it didn't happen. If I didn't feel so good physically, I would probably have given up all together. I had already given up emotionally--the hope to be thin was gone. I settled on feeling good--that's a blessing in itself, right?
Recap: realization, nutrition, exercise...first 3 steps...no success...
What happened next was strange and kind of hard to describe, but it can all be wrapped up into the recurring theme "You need to love yourself thin." Dr. Tony O'Donnell was the first to actually say this to me (or he was at least the first that I really "heard" say it.) I approached his table at an Isagenix convention, looking for some missing magic piece to my puzzle. He looked me right in the eye and said those very words to me.
"You need to love yourself thin."
I hadn't even told him what I was looking for. He knew NOTHING about me, but he could see it. His words were so foreign, so abstract, but they sunk to my very core. On that same day--maybe in that same hour--I heard the words (or something to the effect) that "greatness is in Being, not doing."
These two simple messages stirred around in my head and then in my heart, and I believe they were the catalyst for what happened next.
What does "love yourself thin" look like? That was my first question, and whenever I would ask it of myself, I would hear "greatness in BEING, not doing." So...how does one just BE? I was raised to work hard, and "doing" is where I found success. I was addicted to "doing;" I always found myself doing more and more to achieve the same satisfaction. The more I pondered this idea, the more I realized that I was losing myself in all the doing. I didn't really know "who I was" or what I enjoyed anymore. So I started there:
Who Am I?
Well, I am a mom to 5 beautiful kids. I am a lucky wife. I am (whatever my calling at church was at that time). I am a Heritage Makers consultant. I am...
...A Daughter of God!
Yes, that is the one thing I know for sure, the one thing I have always known and the one thing I have always leaned back on when struggling with something. If everything else were to be stripped away from me somehow, I would always still BE a daughter of God with "divine qualities that I strive to develop." I needed to remember and really process this one true statement so that I could LIVE what I believe. I began to study from the scriptures and from many other good books what this meant on a deeper level...
What Do I Enjoy?
I didn't think this was an important question, and since I didn't know the answer, I usually just ignored it. Suddenly it became very important to me to find the answer: WHAT DO I ENJOY?? I started with things I used to enjoy, and I discovered that most things had faded in their importance as I had matured, but two things still gave me chills when I thought about them: education and singing. I had recently started back to school, but I only had one toe in the water. All of my kids were in school full time or had graduated, so there was no excuse why I shouldn't just go for it. It was scary!!! But it didn't take long for that spark to grow back into the fire that it had once been. I also began taking voice lessons from Brodie Perry. www.brodieperry.com He's amazing! Check him out! This was a secret for a long time. I was kind of embarrassed to begin voice lessons at age 40. Who does that? But it was so freeing! I began to find my voice, both literally and figuratively. Before each lesson I would consider just not going back; this sometimes happens even still, but the underlying passion keeps me going, and after each lesson, I am always glad I went. He is very good at what he does; in addition to what I learn about my voice, I learn something about myself every time I go, something that is beyond singing...it's crazy! I am finally to the point where I dare to tell (a few select) people about my lesson, and I have even sung in two different "recitals" now. My goal now is to figure out what my real GOAL here is. Sounds funny, but it's time for my original goal of rediscovering a past passion to mature and grow wings.
I allowed myself a few other "enjoyments," like an occasional massage, hot yoga and other exercise, and traveling. The hardest part with all of this was not feeling guilty for doing so much for myself. I had to keep remembering that if I am an empty vessel, I have nothing to give. One thing I wanted for my children, especially my daughters, is for them to see that life doesn't end when you get married and start a family. I hadn't been a good example of this for them, and I knew I needed to change that before it was too late, so I pushed myself to keep going, keeping good checks and balances--asking my husband on a regular basis if I was being selfish on one side of the spectrum, and gauging my stress level on the other side. If I felt a lot of stress from my routine, I knew I wasn't allowing myself enough enjoyment and personal release.
Speaking of release, this is where it gets exciting! Two things happened at this point. First, I felt myself come alive again. I started feeling excited about each day, and that was a little bit scary but also really exciting! The other thing was in the form of a supplement called Product B. There is a lot to these little capsules that I take twice a day, but to keep it simple, it addresses "telomere shortening" and supports youthful aging. Remember my metabolism issue? In all of the research I had heard before Product B, the main thing that hinders successful weight loss is this "metabolism issue." I started taking it, and for 18 months I noticed "little things" here and there but with no sign of weight loss... but then... it just started to fall off!
When I noticed that things were changing with my medication levels (last December, 2012), I started to give it one more effort. I found an accountability coach who would monitor my weight and my fat loss together. She gave me a few guidelines on how to eat--never go longer than 3-4 hours, cut down on sugar, drink lots of water, and always include a protein. I found that I because I had rediscovered a passion for life and because I had detached myself from my addiction to stress, I was able to switch my joy in food to joy in life! When I have cravings, I can analyze the urges and decide what it is that I am really needing: water, rest, exercise, a change of scenery... and sometimes I really just "need" the food that I am wanting, but way less of it than I used to think I needed.
I am now 35 pounds lighter than I was a year ago. This is so exciting for me, but what is really exciting is that I am starting to believe that I really deserve to be this weight. I still have a few mental blocks. I still have a slight anxiety when shopping for clothes. I still focus too much on certain parts of my body that I would like to change, but I am much better at being able to redirect my thoughts and actually feel comfortable BEING me.
Here are some "BEFOREs"
graduating with my associates degree from Dixie State College, May 2012
Good to Great training with David Wood,
Thatch Caye, Beliz, December 2012
And some "AFTERs"
family photos, December 2013
Florence, Italy, November 2013
