And here is the view of the pool, which is basically right on the beach:
I came to Cabo knowing that a lot of time would be spent building the business. I also came hoping to spend time with Dave. I rarely see him. He is working hard to grow his business. It is temporary. But I want to still be able to "connect" when he is "back around," if that makes sense.
I am learning that Dave is very comfortable being alone. He likes his space and time alone. Understandable. We all long for it. I'm not saying he is not "connected" to me or our family. He is a good husband and father. But I do see that he is very comfortable with the "disconnect." I am also learning that I am not. I am so feeling like a fish out of water in a place that I should be relishing! For 20 years, my life has been centered around Dave. Half of my heart--and in fact half of myself--has belonged to him. I used to think that was good! I still do, but I am learning that there is more. I still need to be a whole person. I want to feel comfortable with the times of disconnect as well. I need to remember my whole self. What are my passions--really? What makes me excited? Who am I--REALLY?
I have been saying that I would go back to school when my youngest went to school. He will start first grade in August. I am finding the thought to be scary. I have almost talked myself out of it several times--is it right? what will I study? am I just chasing a false dream of getting a degree? will Dave approve?
Today, as I walked to the beach to watch the waves and think a bit while Dave did his own thing, I realized that I need to no longer care whether or not Dave approves. He does things without needing my approval...and I can't say I disapprove either. I don't want him to grow without me. He married me when I was a vibrant and full of dreams and aspirations, independent and strong. I can only hope that he still wants THAT person and that I can become HER again.
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3 comments:
Beautiful post, Cary. (Love the gorgeous pictures, too.) I know exactly what you're saying here, and I think you and I are very similar in that respect--we think so much about having the "approval" of important people in our lives that we tend to be willing to "lose" ourselves in the process. I have gone through a similar thing. Go for it--go back to school or whatever it is that makes your talents shine and makes you that "whole" person you long to be!! Go for it!!! XOXO
Jen, what are you doing about it?? Seriously wondering...
You mean what am I doing about getting out of the "habit" of trying to have the "approval" of people?? Well... I don't know. I don't know if I'm doing very well of getting out of that frame of mind. Sometimes I do better than at other times. I think I want so much to do what's right for my family, and I respect my husband very much, and I just try to sort of "bend" to whatever will make everybody happy. Kevin is pretty good at reminding me, "but what will make YOU happy?" but as I said, sometimes I'm better at focusing on myself than other times. It's a juggling/balancing act for me. Reading my patriarchal blessing has helped me a lot lately, but it is a difficult thing (not trying to please everybody) for me to do. It's really hard for me to just say, "Hey, this is what I want." Maybe I'll get better with practice. :) Start small maybe???
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