Journal Catch-Up

Well...

I read something from one of the general authorities (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints leadership) that unless you write in a journal daily, it really doesn't do much good. That hit me. As a youth, I was faithful, 100%. Then I lost one of my most precious ones--the one that had my first Europe trip and my first year of college and meeting my husband Dave, getting engaged, etc--on my wedding day somehow. Probably from the packing and moving chaos. That became my first excuse. Motherhood inspired me to start--and stop--and start again--multiple times. I have little jots of thoughts in no organized fashion that I will work toward finding and collecting in some sense of organization, but until then, I just want to catch up on recent life. I used to preach this to people when I was an active Heritage Makers consultant. (www.LetsWriteYourStory.com or www.HeritageMakers.com if you are interested in what that is.) I'd try to relieve the stress of documenting life by telling people to start with the now and then the past stories that really want to be told will find their way into your time schedule. I've gotten away from that a bit... I still believe it, however, and the time is now to get back to practicing what I preached.

That being said, there may be a bit of randomness to the order of posts, and there may be an inundation of posts. I hope they are interesting enough that someone else may want to read them--I have a pretty exciting life in my opinion ;)--but I am doing it mostly for myself. Some of the posts will probably end up in a published hard bound storybook from Heritage Makers, but I am starting here.

First event worth recording: Curtis and Sebastianna.

I first met Sebastianna at an MMA tournament.  It was Curtis' first tournament, and he was really excited about it, because he loves MMA. His favorite part is boxing, and from what I hear, he is pretty good at it (I was never able to watch him train at boxing,)  but he wasn't 18 yet, so he wasn't allowed to compete by punching other people and getting punched back😲. He didn't feel as passionate about grappling, but he was still excited to compete. He wanted Karter and me to come watch him, along with his best friend, Porter, and his new girl, Sebastianna. Curtis was on the mat basically the whole time, so Karter and I sat with his friends... I'm not a fan of awkward silence, so we made small talk.  I decided I liked her better than I had liked any of his other girls. At least she talked to me. I thought it was cute that she was willing to drive to Vegas with him and Porter just to spend a long day watching boys grapple. In some ways, she acted like they had dated a long time, kind of in a mothering way, and that is never my personality, but I still thought she was cute. 

Curtis had taken a fairly long break from training--trying to decide what he wanted to do with his life--and then he basically fasted for two weeks to cut 12 lbs so he could compete in a lower weight bracket. On top of that, the two guys that he grappled had said they were beginners (whih was really untrue.)  Needless to say, he got beat out really quickly.   He had been sure he would win--and he had the potential had he not lacked training and food. He was really bummed, and he wanted to go eat at a buffet. He had started to ignore Sebastianna and buddy up with Porter. I get uncomfortable in these situations, so I made sure I made her feel welcome. So ... we became "friends" and she began "fit in" quite well with the family. She even sang a duet on our family Christmas album with Curtis...

At the end of January, Curtis took Sebastianna to her Sr Ball. After the dance, Curtis said that a lot of people had asked if they were getting married. The following picture explains why:

Almost exactly one week later, Dave and I were in Cancun on a "business" (mixed with pleasure) trip with some of his Isagenix friends. I had some feelings regarding home, so I was texting the kids often, and I received probably the hardest news I had ever received--at least as hard as when I learned my dad was having an affair and later when my parents got a divorce. Sebastianna was pregnant and they were planning to be married. Instead of a missionary son, I was going to have a daughter-in-law and another grand baby. In a way I was shocked beyond belief, but in another way I knew. I had been prepared by little signs and promptings along the way, not just since he had met Sebastianna, but maybe even over a span of months or years. I was in instant mourning, yet I was blessed with a sense of peace somehow. Maybe that was shock. Maybe it was because Dave and I were so far away--in another country even! Our trip did lose a sense of glamour and enjoyment from that point forward, but we did manage to stay for the duration and enjoy ourselves. 

So I'll fast forward a few months. I'll skip the parts where Curtis stops coming home and the parts where I go into a mini depression, where I refused to stay, so I immersed myself in scripture and prayer and temple attendance and fasting. I'll spend a short amount of time on our family Spring Break trip to California. I thought it would be a good way to rebuild a relationship with Sebastianna--and with Curtis, for that matter--and it was in some ways, but in other ways I really struggled. No details needed, but I will say that the presence of even a tiniest bit of contention can jinx a day at Disneyland. The first 5 rides we tried to go on either broke down once we got to the front of the line or were closed for renovations. I have never seen anything like it! It became sort of the joke of the trip, and helped make it good. I will insert a photo here of the good family moments. 

So now the wedding. It's important for me to mention that I am not a judgmental type of person. I understand things happen, and I am proud of my son in many ways. I mean, he could have walked away and claimed no responsibility, but he stepped up and is being a "man" as best he can. He has a special compassion about him and he treats Sebastianna really well. But I am a mom and I guess that role comes with certain hopes and dreams and emotions, and the way everything came about (no details needed) hit the jackpot on my deep emotional well. All I wanted was to be able to go and not only be happy but, more importantly, look happy. This meant I did not want to cry. Normally, this is not a problem for me--I'm as non emotional as they come--but I had been crying at least once a day for a month, usually for no apparent reason. (The fact that I had been released as young women's president right before the wedding didn't help. I loved my calling so much, but my time had come...) I prayed every day that if I couldn't have the miracle I had fasted every Sunday for months to have--that my son would come to know who he is and have a desire to be that man of God and serve a faithful mission--at least could I have the blessing of no tears on the wedding day. This was not God's will for me, apparently, because my eyes leaked nonstop through the entire ceremony. But it was a nice ceremony (as nice as could be with no mention of God whatsoever;) the vows they had written for eachother were sweet;  the decorations looked nice; the food was good; and the newlyweds seem happy. 

At least now that they're married, I don't have to wonder about what my son is doing, when he's coming home, etc. They seem to be managing their new life together quite well, and there will be a cute grand daughter joining the family soon.

 My focus now is on mending and improving a relationship and making sure I get to see that baby as much as possible. No matter what, babies are miracles!!