Power to Become

There is a kind lady in my ward who gave me this book as a comfort gift. 

It is amazing!! It really opens up the scriptures about becoming like Christ. He wrote it so as to be interactive--an action book. His method of writing works! I am craving cross referencing and digging deeper to know more. I am only on page 11 because I have to keep stopping to ponder, write, search... 

Needless to say, I recommend this book. 

I Used to Pray for this Day...

Well, not really pray, but I remember when I had a houseful of little ones and then middle-sized and even big ones, and I would look longingly toward the day my house would be quiet and ...well... mine again! Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love my kids SO MUCH, but there are days...

It's hard and tiring and frustrating and painful and amazing and fulfulling and... you get my point.

So anyways, this week I moved another child out of the house. Arielle is now a citizen of Nashville, TN, where she will spread her wings and probably fly. Maybe she will never come back to reside in St. G--I don't know. I have looked forward to this day for her because I have always known that she has the potential to make a huge impact on this world. Moving out is a very exciting step--one that I definitely loved taking--and for me, watching my kids conquer each milestone has been a joy.

So Karter and I flew with Arielle and her boyfriend, Braxton, to Nashville to move her into an apartment that she found all by herself by using GOOGLE MAPS!!! Seriously!? She would log on to Google Maps at least once a day and "go for walks" up and down the streets of downtown Nashville.

One day she "passed" a reddish brick building that looked like it could be an apartment building, zoomed in on the name and address of the place, and then found the contact info. Well, of course they had an apartment available at better than the right price (she is the master of attraction when she wants to be,) and now she lives in it. It is seriously in the best location for her, close to everything (she sold her car to lower her outgo and pay her deposit), and if there is anywhere she can't walk, there is a bus stop across the street. 

When the apartment complex office worker, Roy, was introducing us to the apartment, he told her that everything--carpet, linoleum, paint, refrigerator, AC--was brand new because the old resident was a chain smoker and it had smelled terrible. So once again, SCORE! It's a tiny little studio that is really perfect for her.

AND it has a pool with a terrific view on the roof!!

We spent two days shopping thrift stores and discount stores with my sister-in -law, Roberta (who is the master shopper) and found the perfect prices for everything she needs to start her new life in Music City. It was such a blessing! Karter would have preferred to do more sightseeing and other fun stuff, but he definitely was helpful. He was a huge help when it came to putting furniture together. He has his dad's brain...

Karter and I flew home on a late flight, with a short stay-on-the-plane layover in LA. While we waited for the new passengers to board, Karter went to the bathroom at the front of the plane. He didn't come back for quite some time, so I decided I needed to find out what he was up to...

Needless to say, this not is a charmer, and I have a feeling he is going to be at least as adventurous and influential as his older siblings. Other than the fact that he says we didn't "have enough fun," I think he enjoyed his first flight and being able to help his big sister grow up. 

We landed in Vegas at midnight (pacific time,) then we had a 2 hour drive home, which means I finally got to lay down in my really comfortable bed at 3:30am. 

Mekenze and George and Lukas had been staying at out house while we were gone (they were shootin a music video for MEK's latest single, Element) and they woke me up around 9am so I could see them and play with my cutest boy before they went home. Just imagine waking up to this face wanting his "Gramsie."

He loves his grandma, and that makes me so happy!! 

Then they left and the house was suddenly so quiet and empty. Karter was downstairs playing 2K14 or whatever else he does down there; Dave was still out of town on business; Madyson is in Iowa for another 2 weeks at a summer dance intensive; Curtis is married and living his life...and life is slowly--no, RAPIDLY--showing me how short it really is! I am excited for this new phase, and heaven knows I'll find things to fill the quiet spaces in my time, but for now it's just odd...

I'm not complaining, by any means, but I AM adjusting. 

Journal Catch-Up

Well...

I read something from one of the general authorities (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints leadership) that unless you write in a journal daily, it really doesn't do much good. That hit me. As a youth, I was faithful, 100%. Then I lost one of my most precious ones--the one that had my first Europe trip and my first year of college and meeting my husband Dave, getting engaged, etc--on my wedding day somehow. Probably from the packing and moving chaos. That became my first excuse. Motherhood inspired me to start--and stop--and start again--multiple times. I have little jots of thoughts in no organized fashion that I will work toward finding and collecting in some sense of organization, but until then, I just want to catch up on recent life. I used to preach this to people when I was an active Heritage Makers consultant. (www.LetsWriteYourStory.com or www.HeritageMakers.com if you are interested in what that is.) I'd try to relieve the stress of documenting life by telling people to start with the now and then the past stories that really want to be told will find their way into your time schedule. I've gotten away from that a bit... I still believe it, however, and the time is now to get back to practicing what I preached.

That being said, there may be a bit of randomness to the order of posts, and there may be an inundation of posts. I hope they are interesting enough that someone else may want to read them--I have a pretty exciting life in my opinion ;)--but I am doing it mostly for myself. Some of the posts will probably end up in a published hard bound storybook from Heritage Makers, but I am starting here.

First event worth recording: Curtis and Sebastianna.

I first met Sebastianna at an MMA tournament.  It was Curtis' first tournament, and he was really excited about it, because he loves MMA. His favorite part is boxing, and from what I hear, he is pretty good at it (I was never able to watch him train at boxing,)  but he wasn't 18 yet, so he wasn't allowed to compete by punching other people and getting punched back😲. He didn't feel as passionate about grappling, but he was still excited to compete. He wanted Karter and me to come watch him, along with his best friend, Porter, and his new girl, Sebastianna. Curtis was on the mat basically the whole time, so Karter and I sat with his friends... I'm not a fan of awkward silence, so we made small talk.  I decided I liked her better than I had liked any of his other girls. At least she talked to me. I thought it was cute that she was willing to drive to Vegas with him and Porter just to spend a long day watching boys grapple. In some ways, she acted like they had dated a long time, kind of in a mothering way, and that is never my personality, but I still thought she was cute. 

Curtis had taken a fairly long break from training--trying to decide what he wanted to do with his life--and then he basically fasted for two weeks to cut 12 lbs so he could compete in a lower weight bracket. On top of that, the two guys that he grappled had said they were beginners (whih was really untrue.)  Needless to say, he got beat out really quickly.   He had been sure he would win--and he had the potential had he not lacked training and food. He was really bummed, and he wanted to go eat at a buffet. He had started to ignore Sebastianna and buddy up with Porter. I get uncomfortable in these situations, so I made sure I made her feel welcome. So ... we became "friends" and she began "fit in" quite well with the family. She even sang a duet on our family Christmas album with Curtis...

At the end of January, Curtis took Sebastianna to her Sr Ball. After the dance, Curtis said that a lot of people had asked if they were getting married. The following picture explains why:

Almost exactly one week later, Dave and I were in Cancun on a "business" (mixed with pleasure) trip with some of his Isagenix friends. I had some feelings regarding home, so I was texting the kids often, and I received probably the hardest news I had ever received--at least as hard as when I learned my dad was having an affair and later when my parents got a divorce. Sebastianna was pregnant and they were planning to be married. Instead of a missionary son, I was going to have a daughter-in-law and another grand baby. In a way I was shocked beyond belief, but in another way I knew. I had been prepared by little signs and promptings along the way, not just since he had met Sebastianna, but maybe even over a span of months or years. I was in instant mourning, yet I was blessed with a sense of peace somehow. Maybe that was shock. Maybe it was because Dave and I were so far away--in another country even! Our trip did lose a sense of glamour and enjoyment from that point forward, but we did manage to stay for the duration and enjoy ourselves. 

So I'll fast forward a few months. I'll skip the parts where Curtis stops coming home and the parts where I go into a mini depression, where I refused to stay, so I immersed myself in scripture and prayer and temple attendance and fasting. I'll spend a short amount of time on our family Spring Break trip to California. I thought it would be a good way to rebuild a relationship with Sebastianna--and with Curtis, for that matter--and it was in some ways, but in other ways I really struggled. No details needed, but I will say that the presence of even a tiniest bit of contention can jinx a day at Disneyland. The first 5 rides we tried to go on either broke down once we got to the front of the line or were closed for renovations. I have never seen anything like it! It became sort of the joke of the trip, and helped make it good. I will insert a photo here of the good family moments. 

So now the wedding. It's important for me to mention that I am not a judgmental type of person. I understand things happen, and I am proud of my son in many ways. I mean, he could have walked away and claimed no responsibility, but he stepped up and is being a "man" as best he can. He has a special compassion about him and he treats Sebastianna really well. But I am a mom and I guess that role comes with certain hopes and dreams and emotions, and the way everything came about (no details needed) hit the jackpot on my deep emotional well. All I wanted was to be able to go and not only be happy but, more importantly, look happy. This meant I did not want to cry. Normally, this is not a problem for me--I'm as non emotional as they come--but I had been crying at least once a day for a month, usually for no apparent reason. (The fact that I had been released as young women's president right before the wedding didn't help. I loved my calling so much, but my time had come...) I prayed every day that if I couldn't have the miracle I had fasted every Sunday for months to have--that my son would come to know who he is and have a desire to be that man of God and serve a faithful mission--at least could I have the blessing of no tears on the wedding day. This was not God's will for me, apparently, because my eyes leaked nonstop through the entire ceremony. But it was a nice ceremony (as nice as could be with no mention of God whatsoever;) the vows they had written for eachother were sweet;  the decorations looked nice; the food was good; and the newlyweds seem happy. 

At least now that they're married, I don't have to wonder about what my son is doing, when he's coming home, etc. They seem to be managing their new life together quite well, and there will be a cute grand daughter joining the family soon.

 My focus now is on mending and improving a relationship and making sure I get to see that baby as much as possible. No matter what, babies are miracles!! 

What I Learned from Alma the Younger

I love the Book of Mormon. I have read it several times, and like church leaders always teach, I really do learn something new every time I read it. Most recently, I encouraged (well, bribed) my family--the ones who still live at home--to read it in 100 days.

(We used this nifty little reading guide to keep us on track.)

 The reward for everyone who took the bribe was that everyone who honestly completed the Book of Mormon in 100 days would be treated to a cruise this summer. I felt strongly that this was something that we needed to do. I was actually surprised that everyone (meaning my single kids and my husband) did it! I have offered smaller but similar challenges before, and they really haven't gone far, but a cruise must speak more loudly, or maybe my kids were ready to do it. For whatever reason, I am happy that we did it! And I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it was a very powerful experience!

In addition to reading the BofM, I have also become "addicted" (in the righteous sense of the word, of course) to audio CDs of different speakers, mostly LDS but some of other sects as well. (I have a subscription to www.rentldsaudio.com so I can receive 3 audios at once and send them back when I am finished in order to receive my next fix--kinda like Netflix used to be before there were so many streaming options. I also love the Gospel Library app that allows me to listen to a plethora of General Conference talks, scriptures, and other gospel literature at the literal touch of a finger.) I feel my mind opening and being filled with so many new outlooks, maybe even "hidden treasures of knowledge," and it is so exciting to me! I listen to each one several times, and I have started a notebook where I transcribe my favorite parts so that I will remember them forever. 

I have recently experienced a powerful deepening of my understanding of the Atonement and how focusing on this amazing gift from our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ--our Savior--can release us not only from the consequences of sin but also from sorrow, grief, pain, and human weakness; He offers us a strength beyond our own. In the words of David A Bednar in April 2014 General Conference, "Not only does the Atonement of Jesus Christ overcome the effects of the Fall of Adam and make possible the remission of our individual sins and transgressions, but His Atonement also enables us to do good and become better in ways that stretch far beyond our mortal capacities." (Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease) The deepening of my own understanding came from a few different references that meshed together. The stories are separate, but the meanings are the same. I hope I can explain it the way I feel it, because the way I feel it has changed my life.

Also in Elder Bednar's talk, he mentions the words of the Savior found In Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light," and he illustrates the meaning of these words by sharing the story of the people of Alma when they were in bondage to the people of Amulon and their afflictions and persecutions were so great that they began to cry unto The Lord for help. Once they turned their thoughts to Him, the actual physical burdens were not immediately removed but they no longer felt the burden because they turned to God and they BELIEVED that He could and would help them--they allowed His yoke to carry the load.

I was talking with a friend (well, rather, FaceBook chatting, which is often today's form of talking) and she mentioned that if you search "yoke" in the scriptures, the majority of the references are of the "yoke of bondage," which is of course directly opposite from the yoke that the Savior of offers. The yoke of bondage is placed upon us by Satan when we allow our lives--our thoughts, words, deeds--to be governed by him. It holds us down in the gulf of despair and misery. The yoke of Christ is one of ease and comfort--it frees us and brings us joy.

When Alma the Younger was struck by an angel, he lay unconscious for 3 days, harrowed up in the pain and anguish of his sins. "I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins. Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments... now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul." (Alma 36:12-13, 16)  But then he switched his thoughts. He remembered what he had been taught about the mercy of God. "And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world. Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.  And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!" (Alma 36:17-20)

John Bytheway, in his audio called "Weed Your Brain; Grow Your Testimony," he mentions this account and talks about what it means to be "harrowed up." 

This is a harrow: 

Farmers use it to soften hard ground. They drag these metal blades across the ground over and over again until it is soft enough for the seeds to be planted. Obviously, it's a necessary process when the ground is hard because seeds would not otherwise be able to take root and grow. Imagine the pain, now, if one of these was being dragged over a human being. Doesn't sound pleasant...

If our hearts are hardened by sin or doubt or fear or pain, we may need to be harrowed up for a time until we become soft enough for the Atonement of Christ to take root, but it would be unneccesary and rather stupid to continue to lay there and experience the pain forever, yet we often do this by allowing our minds to remain focused on those things that cause us pain. We deny the power of the Atonement to lay claim on us. Sometimes, even when we know about the Atonement and we believe in and even preach of its power, but we don't really believe He can do it, or that He will do it, or that we are worthy enough for Him to really do it for us. I think sometimes, too, we feel like the only way we can really be worthy to enter into His Kingdom is to do it all ourselves, so we refuse to accept the gift He so lovingly gave to all of us. I believe that many of us who do this don't realize we do it, we just don't fully understand the Atonement, what it's for, and how it works. 

Though I have read these scriptures several times, this time they hit me hard, but in a joyful way. I saw them from a new angle that opened up the meaning much more clearly to me. Maybe it is because I was harrowed up in sorrow and my heart and mind were sufficiently soft to receive the seed. All Alma had to do to change his exquisite pain to equal joy was change his thoughts from his painful past to the love of the Savior. Realizing this helped me release the painful thoughts I was experiencing over and over again--I believe He took them from me. The space I created in my thoughts from letting the Savior take them from me allowed room for His joy to enter in. 

I'm sure it's a lesson I will have to learn again, and again, and again. Maybe it will happen at a deeper level each time, but I know that I won't go backward from here. I have been changed by the word of God through His prophets. I'm grateful for the scriptures and for the words of living prophets and for the power of the Spirit that opens them up to me, teaching me hidden treasures of knowledge.