Part of me feels like it would be a good idea to somehow share (albeit discretely) the pains and sorrows and simple glimpses of joy that come from "middle mom-hood." I feel like I want to attempt it somehow. Maybe it is a form of therapy for myself. Who knows? I just know throughtout the time I spent enjoying my kids when they were young (pre teen or even pre tween), I also spent time wishing they could ¨just be older" because life would be "so much easier" when they could do things for themselves. Now I know that I would have been much better off JUST enjoying the season I was in. I am pretty sure that same wisdom applies to now and forever.
Lately I have been fasting every Sunday (personal preference, not doctrine) for my son and for myself to be able to handle his choices as the Savior would. This morning I awoke not wanting to fast--feeling like it was pointless to do so, not wanting to "get my hopes up." When I feel that way, I know that I definitely need to fast that day, so I put on my big girl pants and did it anyway... Today I went to church alone. I am in California with two of my adult kids and their "significant others"--my 18 year old son with his 17 year old fiancé and my 20 year old daughter with her hopefully-someday-to-be fiancé--and they chose not to come to church with me. They take vacation very literally while I take the Sabbath very seriously... I cried all through the opening song, the Sacrament song, and the Sacrament itself. I'm not sure why, other than that I was fasting. I remember watching tears fall from my Grandma's eyes during Sacrament meeting when I was young and wondering what they were about. I think I understand now. Kids not only bring an indescribable joy, but they also can bring a sorrow beyond the understanding of anyone other than a mother. It's love. After church, as I drove the daunting Southern California freeways, I tuned my satellite radio into BYURadio (which I LOVE) and listened to an interview with Richard and Linda Eyre. They are professional writers/lecturers/teachers on PARENTING, (www.valuesparenting.com) and if coveting was not a sin, I would covet the parenting skills of Linda Eyre. Anyways, here are a few of the key quotes that I took away from that interview that I felt spoke straight to me in my current motherhood moment:
We are all either just leaving a crisis, in the middle of the crisis, or just entering into a crisis. To me, this basically reminded me that I am not alone in my struggles. Every one of us has her own set of trials and challenges. This little reminder was soon followed by
God cares more about our character than our comfort, which pretty much means that I should remember to look at the BIG PICTURE and be grateful for every challenge because I am growing my character!
Parenting is a calling you are never released from. This is not necessarily comforting (I'm partly kidding) unless I can remember that the moment will pass and that in the "end" everything will be good.
Our children are eternal souls who come to us with their own personality already in place. We are here to teach them and to love them, but not to choose for them. For this reason, we cannot let ourselves feel guilty for their choices if we have loved them and have done all that we knew how to do.
Adult children have adult problems. Because we are parents forever, this is again not necessarily a comforting statement, BUT we need to remember that while we are still their parents and while they still need our love and support, their problems are their problems and we cannot let them affect our happiness. I know this as a truth, but I will not promise to not feel at least a little bit of heart pain over it. I will just accept this as a given and make sure I keep myself strong enough to handle it.
Think of it as a remarkable stewardship. There is a reason why these kids were sent to you. I have actually heard this several times, both before I reached the season of mom-sorrow due to my own kids' choices and now several times now that I am smack dab in the middle of the season. It is one of those statements that makes sense to me at a cognitive level but that hasn't yet sunk deep into my heart and soul. I often find myself musing about what I could have done better...but that leads me back to my original statement of ENJOY THE SEASON. Just as I could not wish away the season of needy toddlers (nor would I have, even if I could have. Why would I want to miss out on all the miracles and cuteness that also come with that stage?!), I cannot wish myself back into that stage. My tweenage, teenage, and adult kids are all amazing creatures. I am humbled and often overwhelmed by the fact that I am their mom. During the tough moments, I need to make sure I remember to see them as eternal beings and be grateful that I get to have them in my life.
2 comments:
OH, that's beautiful!!! I have been thinking about this idea of "mommies of teenager" blogs since you mentioned it to me in SG a couple weeks ago. I was thinking the same thing--I have two children now who are teenagers, and they are both struggling with things they don't want me to talk to anyone about. In one case, half of the struggle is his own personality and how he chooses to deal with things. In both cases, there are very difficult, personal issues that they don't want publicized. And I think, too, that in both cases they don't really get why I might want to talk about THEIR lives. It's that mother-pain that nobody can understand unless they've lived it. And the mother-worry. I thought of a way to "teenage-mommy blog," and that is to create a private blog where only invited members can comment, and it can't be searched or viewed by anyone else. Could be good, as long as everyone invited can be trusted not to say anything to our kids. :)
I agree with you--this stage of motherhood (although your kids are older, so they're even a little "past" where mine are) is so difficult because it tugs (rips) at your heart. I love the points from Linda Eyre. All true, but sometimes a hard perspective to keep.
I'm sorry you went to church alone. That is heartbreaking, I know. I have a child who is serious about vacations, too, and gives us so much grief about going to church on vacation (as well as keeping the Sabbath day holy), and he's now at an age where he can just refuse to go when he doesn't feel like it. I keep trying to remind myself that when I was that age, I was stupid, too. Stupid in different ways, but stupid. I didn't have the same understanding of spiritual things as I do now. So much of that understanding came through struggles. And he will struggle, no doubt, in his life, and I just hope he will LEARN some spiritual things through that struggle. Some people learn faster than others.
In the words of Shakespeare, there's the rub. The rub is that pre-kids, we pretty much just skipped along in life. Then you have children, and your heart starts walking outside your body. And then you have to come full circle, in a way, and somehow not let them break your heart by their decisions or even through their problems that weren't a result of their decisions. They come to us, and we teach them to walk and read and say sorry, we spoon-feed them and keep them alive and thriving, and then in such a short time we come to the point where we have to look at them as our brothers and sisters instead of our children. We have to look at them as objectively as we can, while still adoring them as the THREE (or five) people GOD GAVE YOU TO BE YOURS, FROM THE BEGINNING OF ETERNITY! It's. So. Hard.
So, if you start a private blog, I'm there. :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Such good insight.
One other thing. That "your kids come to you with their personalities already in place" is so true!! My oldest has ALWAYS (I mean, I could see this when he was MONTHS old) been very independent. Being the oldest, I didn't have any other experience with children. When he would do something like take a swing at another kid on the playground, I would always just BEAT MYSELF UP--what am I doing wrong?? Why am I such a failure because I can't teach him? It wasn't until I had a second child that I started to understand that as much as I look at her and her amazingness and KNOW that I can't take credit for it because it was none of my doing and she just came that way, I also can't take BLAME for anything that any of my kids do that is THEIR choice and against what I've taught them. My job is just to teach. If they don't believe or do what I've taught, that's THEM. That's not me. (And, by the way, he doesn't take swings at people any more!) :) He is a really good guy. He's just very different and hard for most people to understand. Anyway, that statement is true--they come with their own personalities, which I believe they have had for eternities, and they are here to learn just as much as we are. Their decisions will impact their lives, and they will learn from their consequences one way or the other, because God wants them to learn. They will struggle. Because that's what we're here for. And all we can do is all we can do.
Post a Comment