Self Confidence

I am realizing that self confidence comes in two parts: spiritual and physical. Both of them are needed for complete confidence, I believe, but I am also starting to realize that of the two, spiritual confidence is more important, more of a foundation, than the other.

I have never had much confidence in my physical self, and there are times that it have mourned that fact and have gone looking for it, usually to my detriment. I have made it kind of my "mission" to help my kids have that confidence so that they aren't afraid to let their light shine to the world. I have been so happy for (and jealous of) their talents and the opportunities they have to develop them. They seem physically confident...

On the other hand, I have almost always felt quite confident in who I am as a spiritual being. I thought that I would naturally just pass that along to my kids. But I am realizing more and more that while part of me was born with spiritual confidence, I also had to learn to apply this spiritual sense of confidence to my physical life. I have two very strong memories of how this happened:

The first memory is of when I was in 4th or 5th grade. (FYI--This is going to sound worse than it really was. I am remembering it in tunnel vision, so in reality, the negative stuff wasn't as intense as it sounds.) I was ugly, overweight, had very few friends. I hated going out for recess. I didn't like to play, and when I tried to be active, I felt like everyone was watching me move around and laughing because I was awkward and fat. So I would usually sit and read or draw or talk to the teachers until they made me play, and then I would just walk around and look at my feet so that I didn't have to see people looking at me, feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have any friends.

One day, as I was thus wandering the playground, I heard a voice tell me to look up and smile and be friendly to people. Nobody would be my friend if I didn't let them be. It made sense to me, so I listened to the voice and immediately did what I was told and tried to be everybody's friend from then on out. And although I was never "popular" or the life of anyone's party, I have felt since then that I have lots of friends, at least from my point of view.

The second memory is actually a melangerie of events, all involving music, around the age of 16. I will mention one sunday in Young Women's--I must have been feeling extra down about my outer self or something--we sang "Learn of Me" by Janice Kapp Perry for the opening song.

"Learn of me, and listen to my words. Walk in the meekness of my light, and I will give you peace, my love will never cease, for I am Jesus Christ." I started to cry,--I mean, I was sobbing-- and could not stop! I had to leave the room because the tears just kept coming. They weren't tears of sadness, however. They were relief and happiness and unconditional love. I knew and still do know, without any doubt, that the Savior loves me.

I have never doubted that I am a "daughter of Heavenly Parents with divine qualities that I am striving to develop." (from the YW Personal Progress Value, Divine Nature.) All of my life's goals and purposes stem from this knowledge, and all my major life decisions are made quite simply from my understanding of eternal life as the big picture. I just know what I will and won't do... because I am a Daughter of God and someday I will be like Him.

I thought that the spiritual part of everyone was strongest. I know now that it is not. I am lucky to have it this way, but I also need to make sure that my kids know who they REALLY are, from the inside out. Remembering how my spirit grew could help me do that...don't you think?


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Today I have been reminising about the pioneer trek and all that has happened since then that I believe is related to the fact that I agreed to go. I found the photo gallery that someone created and spent an hour (at least) browsing through the 2600 photos taken of those 3 1/2 long days.

This is Curtis with his family. He was afraid to go because he thought he was going to be placed with "stupid people," but he fell in love with his family and they have had several parties since the trek. :)


This is the amazing Mac trek Fam. We seriously had a super great bunch of kids in our family. They were fun, hard workers, didn't complain, and personlaities all seemed to fit together perfectly! Our group had all of the best, most innovative ideas. Leaders...

There were some fun times. They gave us a whole afternoon to play pioneer games, rest, square dance, and just enjoy simplicity and nature. Here is Curtis playing checkers. They also had stilts, stick pulling, stickball, archery, and a trading post.

The Mac Fam men, hard at work.

Arielle only came for half of the trek, but she was "lucky enough" to experience the silent women's pull...It was soooo hard!

Here I am, trying to get that dang handcart up the steepest part of the whole trek during the women's pull. I must have pulled the best faces, because they put several lovely headshots of me looking like I was in pain on the photo gallery. I am choosing not to post them here... :)

The Mac Fam women, bringing up the rear. Our girls were really strong and had a great rhythm.

Curtis makes a preppy pioneer.

Arielle with her family...

Quite a group!

I just think this is a great shot of the Mac Boys!

This was the greatest site ever!!!

The trek is just one of the many things that I said I would never do that I have actually found myself doing in 2011. I believe that I am being prepared for something...I'm not sure what...but I am thankful that I have had to turn to my inner strength and to the power of God so that I can be ready for whatever is in store.

It is interesting to me that tonight, as I was pondering this blog post, I looked on facebook to see that my sister, Dani, had posted a true pioneer handcart story that she found http://lds.org/ensign/1972/10/an-evening-of-historical-vignettes?lang=eng&cid=facebook-shared that included one of my ancestors, Elizabeth Xavier Tait. She was part of the Willie Handcart company that endured so much:

I am Elizabeth Xavier Tait. I was born in Bombay, India, in the year 1833, raised in wealth and aristocracy. I was educated in the best schools in India, graduated from college at age 14. My family in India was displeased with my joining the Church. They begged me to forsake my husband, William, and my church and remain with them in India. But after my young son died suddenly of cholera, I knew I must not heed the pleading of my parents and friends. My husband left for Zion before I did; I was to follow after because my health was too frail to allow me to go with him at that time. At my departure, I was disinherited by my family. It was while traveling to England that I faced one of my hardest trials. My baby girl, the last of my children, took sick and died while I stood helpless. After I arrived in America, I found myself a member of the fourth, or Willie, handcart company.

Many of the carts were tastefully painted to suit the fancy of the owners, while here and there appeared inscriptions such as “Truth Will Prevail,” “Zion’s Express,” “Blessings Follow Sacrifice,” and “Merry Mormons.” Snatches of the marching song “Some Must Push and Some Must Pull” served to lighten the monotony of the daily routine.

Fall came early with a frosty night. Aspen groves turned yellow on the mountain slopes, and crimson patches of oak held forebodings of approaching winter. Far down the plains of Wyoming the Martin company moved hopefully up the Platte.

The daily rations were cut again with a prayer that help would come on the morrow. But the morrow, instead, brought death—first one, then another, and another. Life went out as smoothly as a lamp ceases to burn when the oil is gone.

(The men's) shoes were so worn that they finally fell from their feet, and they bound them up with pieces of gunnysacking and strips of canvas and cloth. In spite of this, their feet were cracking and sore and bleeding so badly that tracks of blood were left on the snowy trails.

Shouts of joy rent the air; strong men wept till tears ran freely down their furrowed and sunburnt cheeks, and little children fairly danced with gladness.

WILLIAM TAIT:
I knew Elizabeth was in the company, and as the time approached for the appointed arrival of my wife, I grew both rejoiceful and anxious at the thought of our reunion. My anxiety mounted to near panic as the winter of that year came unseasonably early and severe. I volunteered as a member of the rescue company to meet my beloved wife. I cannot tell you of the fear and helplessness I felt while en route. Would we get there in time? Would she be alive? By October 31, 250 teams had been sent to relieve the sufferers. On October 20, the first of our relief wagons came into sight of the Willie company.

This is an awesome story, and it seems much more real knowing that it was one of my direct ancestors AND because I sort of understand in a small way what the experience was like. I guess it is time to storybook Elizabeth Xavier and William Tait's story...

If Only...

If only there was a button that only Moms could push that would call in the reinforcement staff. One push in times of sheer exhaustion, desperation, confusion, or overwhelment would call a maid, a cook, a chauffeur, a counselor, a seamstress, a disciplinarian, a tutor, a shooter-from-the-hip...and simultaneously send the Mom into thin air, a place where she can sleep or read or run or do absolutley nothing OR EVERYTHING until her strength and desire to be Mom returns.

Of course the Mom wouldn't abuse the button, because no Mom in her right mind would allow another to take over her rein for too long. That is why she took the one way passage into motherhood in the first place. One can never return...and really, who would want to? But just for a day...can I please have that button?

My world will have one...

Never A Greater Feeling!

I am feeling so blessed right now! I wish I could go into details about why, but maybe if I talk around it enough...

It all starts with having kids. When they are small you think they are the world...well because they basically ARE to you..and you think they think YOU are the world...and maybe they do, for a little while. But then they grow up, and things change somehow. The kids' world starts to grow, and you become not much more than a small speck on that world, while at the same time, your world grows so much smaller until soon the kids are able to just step on it and crush it. The saddest part is that they often DO!

But you know, it's all good because at least you taught them correctly and they will always remain true to the truth...go forth with faith and never make a wrong choice...except for the times that they DO, because (Dang It!) they WILL!

The realization that your kids are people too is a wicked awesome realization, and I mean that VERY literally! Let's take all of the emotion of "awesome"--your kids are beautiful, talented, strong adventurous people who have every capability of taking the world by storm--and stir in a cup or two full of all the emotions that "wicked" can conjure--these people you call your kids have their agency and it is time for them to wean themselves off of your testimony and find their own in a world that shouts every exciting and glamorous untruth imaginable (cue the "great and spacious building.") It is an emotional rollercoaster, at one moment a heart-wrenching concoction that resembles the bitter cup and the next a glorious magical trip to Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. (Are you getting the imagery?)

There once was a time when you could affix curfews and create incentive charts that rewarded them when they were good and punished them with they made unwise choices. But now, suddenly, you are left to stand by and watch as the world attaches these consequences, both wonderful and not so much...instead of to parenting books, you now turn to your Heavenly Father. PLEASE help them remember! Please touch their hearts and help them make all the right choices! P.L.E.A.S.E...?!!?

Now that you are (hopefully) getting the picture...I just need to say that right now I see my kids-turned-adults DOING IT! They are finding their testimonies and aligning their lives to what they know to be true. It is glorious and beautiful!

Some Little Good News-es

Karter started Kombat Kids. It is a mini MMA class (right now it is actually a one on one private training because it is a new class and he is the only one--pretty cool) and it is a pretty good work out for him. He really likes it, especially since his big brother is taking similar classes.

Madyson was chosen to be Snow Queen in the Nutcracker portion of the Diamond Talent Christmas show. She is a beautiful dancer and I can't wait to see the show.

Curtis has been working out a lot and taking MMA fighter training. He really loves it and is getting quite good and thinking through and coming out on top.

Arielle does not have cancer! That is a happy thing!

The doctor thinks her pain and other symptoms have something to do with her digestive tract. She did colon cleanse today...we will see if it helps her.

Hopefully the pain will go away and we can end our worries and experimental visits to doctors...

(she'll kill me if she finds out I posted this picture, but it's a pretty good illustration of how she has been feeling...)

Mekenze turned 20! and she spent her big day in Florida at Disneyworld Resort being treated like a queen. I want to give more information as to WHY she was there, but I think it needs to be a secret for now. But she had the time of her life and said that the whole experience set a new precedence for the rest of her life. How cool is that?

A Little Good News...

I realize that the freeze frame of the video I posted in my last blog was a little...umm...questionable, so today I am posting something happy to move it from my opening page. :)

One of my all-time favorite songs, sung by one of my all-time favorite singers, is "A Little Good News" by Anne Murray. In 2009, she did a remake with the Indigo Girls:

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Whenever I start to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, I sing this song and I try to list all of the "good news" I can think of. Here goes!

1. I took my algebra test and I think I did well!
2. I remembered to pick Karter up for MMA and to take Mady to dance all in the same run...
3. Karter went to MMA and had a really great workout!
4. Arielle felt good (for the most part...after this morning) today!
5. I am actually making dinner. :)
6. Mekenze is making some good life decisions and is feeling excited about life.
7. I talked to my sister, Dani, on the phone.
8. I got to visit with a friend I haven't seen in awhile.
9. The weather today was FANTABULOUS!
10. Tonight Curtis and I will watch House, MD. :)

Do you have any good news? I would love to hear it!!!

The World Is Too Much With Us...

I have so many things on my mind ALL THE TIME and when I sit down to blog about them, they disappear. I'm going to sit here and just type until I access that black hole of my mind.

I have two videos that I want to post, because I know many of my thoughts this week have been centered on those:


"Miss Representation"


This video shouldn't be shocking, but the way it is put together really got me thinking.

The second one is so cute, equally as powerful, and could possibly be an answer to prayers.

"Worth Waiting For"
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There was a time that my kids never wanted to bring their friends to our house to "hang out." I understood--I was the oldest child and I know how "annoying" little brothers and sisters can be--but I really wished they would bring their friends home so I could meet them. Now that my kids are older, this has changed dramatically. We have done a lot to our house to make it more appealing to the kids, and I really believe it has helped them want to be here. I have a houseful of teenagers at my house almost all of the time. Some of them call me (different versions of) mom, and I love it! Having them here has also tuned me more into the world that these kids live in. All of the messages that are constantly surrounding them: the movies, the music, the fashions... I can understand why living a virtuous life can seem "lame;" girls who dress modest are not necessarily seen as "hottest;" drugs and vulgar language are everywhere and it's "no big deal;" music is more fun when the beat is loud and fast and the lyrics don't matter...

I'm not saying that my kids (or my newly adopted kids) are bad kids. On the contrary, they are AMAZING and valiant and vulnerable and impressionable and ... sigh ...

I am not a worryer. It is not in my nature to be paranoid, but I feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. How do I help them to seek after things that are "virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy?" (besides moving to the hills and living in seclusion, that is...)

Needless to say, my prayers are becoming way more specific and fervent.